Fuck fuck fuck.


I was going to put up a post tomorrow since it is my mothers birthday, she would have been 81. She died as those who read my blog here know, on September 15th 2016. Well, instead, I am writing this post today. My only surviving sibling had a hearth attack at work today. He is 50, and his wife and kids rushed off to the hospital without bothering to inform me.

That could I suppose be forgiven, except that I live with them and they had to rush right past me, which they did without saying a GOD DAMNED WORD TO ME.

My stepfather was the first to die, he went in 1996, my brother Guy went next in 2006, my sister in 2015, mom in 2016 and brother Cliff in 2017. My youngest brother is my sole surviving relative, and now he is in the hospital having just had a heart attack. To say that the last couple of years have sucked would be a profound understatement.

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3 thoughts on “Fuck fuck fuck.

  1. I’m so sorry to hear this. No one should be a survivor at your age. Prayers for your brother and yourself. And for your nephew, too.

    • I recently went through some stuff.

      Right now I feel the foundation below my feet has crumbled and is falling away. I, at first, thought I was falling and was desperate to reach out and grab something, anything to hold onto. All of these definitions of what I believed in were for a moment suspended in air certain to come crashing down. Who am I? Who are they? Every definition, every assumption, the rock on which I stand and count on falling when I hold them in my hand and let them go. Everything was in question. Everything was out of my control. This was a matrix moment. But not is a silly 90’s film creation – this was my life. This is my life. Everything I love. everything I hate. Everything I understand.

      An epiphany is a moment of realization, clarity. This was not that. I knew this was more than that. I am a grown ass man! I know who I am and I know what I believe. This was time for me to be ME. Trust myself.

      Those rocks and stones that were holding me up, they were an illusion. They didn’t hold me up, I held them in place. I defined them and they didn’t define me. The feeling of despair left. I was floating in space and time and I realized that I had been all along. I needed to trust myself. I needed to believe in myself.

      It was at this moment that I realized I was the hamster in the synthetic environment called a Habitrail. I knew I was being studied. I could feel the eyes penetrating the enclosure awaiting my response to their stimulus. So, I would run to the next environment only to have the entire experience repeat itself. Weird stuff.

      Anyway, don’t try to control what you can’t. Love who you want. Try not to hate. Be you’re best definition of a good person. That is all you can do. If those around you let you down – live with it with out malice. Be true to you and remember these words from Popeye the Sailor – “I am what I am.”

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