I was accused recently of admitting that I had a serious drinking problem. I won’t say who the asshole who made this accusations was. He’s a complete and total asshole. He based this accusation on my admitting that I was drinking and smoking to much of late. This is a fact that I do not deny.

It is also a fact that must be taken in its correct context.

It is not an admission of a serious drinking problem. It is an admission that I am in extreme pain and grief and not dealing with it as well as my own personal standards demand.

Why am I in extreme pain? 3 members of my family had died in less than two years. My sister on April 12th of 2015, my mother on September 15th of 2016 and my brother on February 6th of 2017.

I come from a family of seven (eight), two (technically three) parents and five kids. My step father passed away in 1996, my birth father in 2001, one of my brothers in 2006, my sister in 2015, my mother in 2016 and another brother in 2017. My family now consists of me and my youngest brother.

My entire life has been dedicated to my family, nothing has ever been more important to me. Now, with the exception of my youngest brother, they are all dead, 3 of them within the last 2 years. No, I am not dealing with this like a perfect saint. I am scared, confused and in more pain than I have any ability to express.

Yes, I am smoking more than a pack of cigarettes a day and drinking more than a pint of beer a day. For me, yes, that is way more than I should. Am I a off my fucking rocker crazy alcoholic? No I am not, do I have a drinking problem, no I do not. What I have is a problem with grief and pain. I am not and never have been a very emotional person. Right now, my emotions are running wild and threatening my very sanity.

I am angry, hurt and in pain, and I am having trouble dealing with what I am going through. If you cannot understand this, then very kindly go fuck yourself. But do not spread lies about me to justify your own asshole behavior.


16 thoughts on “Grief

  1. Dorian, sending deep and sincere condolences for the recent loss of your brother Cliff
    May he rest in peace, no more suffering

    As for you, try to be kind to yourself and get back to under a pack day as soon as you can
    A shot of cognac in your coffee can steady the nerves. You seem like a person who knows the right thing to do…so carry on at your own pace. Teenagers Will try the patience of Job, make your stand and remember to breath
    Prayers for strength and peace
    P.S. I still talk to my departed dear ones

        • Funny thing here. I am not trying to be an inspiration to anyone. I fall, I get back up, I fall and again, I get back up. I hope, if anyone is watching they take no inspiration from this, but instead ask, Why does he keep getting back up? What inspires him to keep getting back up? And that they look not at me in my pathetic struggle to keep getting back up, but at what is inspiring me to keep getting back up.

          My inspiration is Jesus Christ, who said, “I will in no wise cast out anyone who calls upon my name”.
          That is an amazing promise. That is what inspires me to keep trying to get back up. That is the very definition of “The Grace of God”.

  2. I don’t know if I can explain this clearly enough.
    if you believe in reincarnation, it might be easier for you to understand.
    we are light beings first, not human being, we choose to come to earth
    for a short while to experience the joys of the flesh, this joys of nature,
    the joys of touch, smell, etc.
    this may sound strange at first, but our bodies are actually tombs for the
    light beings we are, it is Inevitable that we will leave these tombs behind
    to go back from where we come from and really belong.
    Please take comfort in knowing that they are all fine and waiting on you and
    your brother to follow them in your own time and they are with you all the
    time, meanwhile, make them proud in that you enjoy life to the fullest.

  3. Hey Oscar

    I’ve signed up to receive new posts by email and I’ve received four so far. I’m impressed by the quality of your writing lately. I’m very busy at the moment and don’t have time to comment too much and I see davidk is still reading your stuff here.

    I’ll try to stay in touch. Maybe I’ll start a blog of my own eventually.

    • ROTFLMAO. “Maybe I’ll start a blog of my own”

      I can honestly think of few things that would please me more. Even if you were to create a blog dedicated to SpongeBob Squarepants’ snail Gary’s snailbox. The very act of even trying to create content for it is an act of creativity that forces you to grow intellectually and personally. I can’t promise that I will visit your blog regularly, (I read about a dozen blogs on almost a daily basis) When I want to know what is going on in the world, I go to “The Drudge Report”. When I want to know what people are thinking about what is going on, well, that’s when I read peoples blogs.

      Have you ever visited

      ???, they are all wonderful examples of what blogging really is and should be.

  4. Oh, I can relate, my friend. Have grieved in EXACTLY the same ways as you, over the past few years. I didn’t even recognize it as grief myself, for awhile. Things were just ‘not right’. I was miserable.
    But, you’re right !! It has a name .. it’s something of it’s own nature.
    It is NOT you. Just what you’ve been walking through. And will for awhile yet. But YOU will soon surprise yourself by showing up again, soon. Hugs.

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