To rage against the world…


Right now, this very second, I want to break things. I want to break things on a scale most people cannot even begin to imagine. To see worlds burn, galaxies explode, to see the very universe in flames. I want to see oceans of blood. I want to kill my enemies

But there is a problem. a problem the size of the entire Universe. There is no one to blame for that which causes my rage. In 1959 my Grandfather died of Prostate Cancer, in 2001 my father died of lung cancer, in 2006 my brother Guy died of brain cancer, in 2011 my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer( She survived), in 2015 my sister died of bone cancer, and now, in 2016 my brother Cliff has been diagnosed with lung cancer. I want to crush my enemies, see them driven before me, to hear the lamentations of their women.

The problem is… My enemy is a disease, its not a person. I can’t shoot it in the fucking head and watch it die. I can’t slowly disembowel its children and its wife while it watch and dine on its suffering as everything it holds dear and precious is slowly painfully forced to suffer the most degrading and painful of deaths. I can’t rip its left eye out and slowly skull fuck it as it suffers the indignity of feeling its impotency of being forced to watch me shred every single bit of it and its families dignity.

I have found myself trapped in the lowest of Dantes circles of hell.

I do not know what the future hold. Perhaps, like my mother my brother will survive this. It doesn’t even come close to being a sure bet. I can hope against statistical hope. I can pray that God intervenes, sometime he does, sometime he doesn’t.

Life is not fair, that is just the way it is. My brothers fate is not in my hands. Hell, it might even be my own fate.

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6 thoughts on “To rage against the world…

  1. As my attention is divided between Scalia thread and the debate and debate thread, just posting here as like the article! 🙂

  2. Well , I almost don’t know what to say being on that train also ,
    but I’ll try .
    Don’t be consumed with anger because it won’t help you or
    your brother . Get calm and be prepared to help your brother .
    My spouse , family and friends help me beyond belief . Above
    all keep your sense of humor ! I don’t want maudlin folks around
    me . Remember there are new drugs and treatments darn near
    every day .
    Every time I see my oncologist I see people around me that are
    so much sicker and yet can smile and say hello and even have
    a discussion……..that’s where I want to be someday .
    You have every right to be angry ……just not for too long .
    My prayers will be with you ,Cliff and your family .

  3. I am so saddened to hear of Cliff’s diagnosis. I am aware of your family’s medical history but, damn. Just…damn.

    My heart aches for you, for Cliff, for your mother (who has already experienced more heartbreak than any parent should have to endure), and for your extended family and close friends.

    Your rage is perfectly understandable, as are sorrow, frustration, a feeling of impotence, a physical and emotional exhaustion from this near constant battle against an insidious disease.

    Do not lose hope, Dorian! Your family will need your strength and wisdom and wit. When you feel weary and depleted, seek out support. Phone friends. Post requests here, on HA, via emails, and we will be here for you.

    These words, these random letters and thoughts thrown together…I realize they do nothing to change what you are going through. I suppose it’s my feeble–and long-winded–attempt to let you know I care and I wish I could magically fix it all.

    Since I cannot make everything whole, I will simply promise you that I will regularly pray for your entire family and if there is anything else I can do, please ask. I mean that.

    I know you love The Lord, Dorian. Cling to Him.

    God bless & many hugs!

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